Understanding the technology
If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before
opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot
of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light"
beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is
not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know."
A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Anyone drinking it regularly will insist
it is THE best beer. Even if he has never tried any other beer.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires
that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same
time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its
cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer,
but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes
in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably
keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list,
when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people
to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises
to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested
only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer
display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several
years.
Amiga Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German
company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, Amiga Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally
came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy
and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer
claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been
known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians'
Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Don Marberger
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